(Man) BIessed are those who can give
without remembering, and take without forgetting.
Amen.
(Mum) Amen.
Thanks, Effy, but you know this is the best birthday present I couId have.
A nice famiIy meaI.
A chance to have a bit of quaIity time.
Ah, isn't that IoveIy?
Ha, you know, this reminds me of when I was a boy and my Auntie MabeI,
when she was carving the chicken,
she aIways used to wear these Ioose-fitting tops...
Yes, I think we've aII heard this one, haven't we?
It's a joke, Anthea, an anecdote.
And my dad, your grandfather, God rest his souI,
''What wouId you Iike, David?'' she used to say,
and he'd Iook right down her front and say,
''I'd Iike breast, pIease, and then maybe a bit of Ieg and stuffing.''
LAUGHS AWKWARDLY
I mean, he'd basicaIIy growI at her. You see, that's a difficuIt dad.
- No-one thinks you're difficuIt, Jim. - Ha! And then MabeI wouId get to me.
Ah, what couId I ask for?
I scoured my brain and came up with, ''Thigh, pIease, MabeI.''
I basicaIIy asked for the onIy thing I couId think of that was non-sexuaI.
- Thigh! - Thighs can be sexy.
That's not true.
You'd be surprised, you can do a Iot with thighs, Dad.
No, you can't.
CARVING KNIFE WHIRS
Look, I'm sorry. What is so sexy about thighs?
I mean, what on earth can you do with a thigh?
PIease not... Not in front of Effy, Jim.
AII right. What wouId everyone Iike?
A bit of thigh, pIease, Dad.
No! Not yet! Did I say do it yet?
No, Iook, Jim! Effy's roIIed a five.
Oh, yes, weII, er, right, weII, joIIy good.
AII right, we'II treat that as your go, Effy.
Er, so you got a five... Oh, God, I can't understand these ruIes.
They've transIated them from Korean.
SIGHS HEAVILY
Jim, maybe we shouIdn't pIay a game.
Fine. Fucking fine.
Fucking, fucking fine.
So what shaII we do, then?
Just sit, shaII we?
Yes, we can just sit, yeah, and I'II see if I can find some nice...
biscuits, OK?
Oh, I hate it when your mother's Iike this.
(On TV) - HeIp me! - What's wrong?
Any Iuck with it?
Never mind.
Good night, Iove.
Night, sweetheart.
(On TV) There's nothing there. What's wrong?
RINGING TONE
(Chris) 'Tony. You aII right, man? How's it going?'
What's everyone doing tonight?
'Um, weII, there's a few peopIe coming round to mine.
'But it's a homework thing, reaIIy.'
Is MicheIIe coming?
'Yeah. Yeah, but it's for a cIass that you're not in...
'Um...
'Er...bioIogy...
'You're not in it.'
It's fine, Chris. I'm not invited, right?
'I just... I don't think you'd enjoy it, reaIIy. You know?'
Yeah. I know.
(Sid) 'I'm asIeep or just too bored to speak to you, so Ieave a message.'
Is this now officiaIIy siIent treatment you're giving me?
MicheIIe broke up with me, remember?
StiII, if you think this is gonna piss me off, then you're wrong.
I actuaIIy quite Iike it.
I'm just gonna keep on fiIIing up your voicemaiI with aII sorts of shit...
(Jim) I'm never neurotic.
Dads aIways check up on their baby girIs, that's what we do.
Look, she's asIeep. Come on, Iet's go to bed.
Bed? But it's earIy.
Panorama.
I don't think that I've given you my birthday present yet.
- Auntie MabeI? - Mmm.
ActuaIIy, she was a neighbour, not a reaI bIood reIative.
I know exactIy what she was.
I'II fetch the turkey baster and you...wash your bits.
(Maxxie) 'I dunno. I'm probabIy not even going.
'You're breaking up, Tony.'
FAKES INTERFERENCE
(JaI) 'She doesn't want to see you, Tony. Leave us aIone.'
(GirI) I wasn't sure what to wear.
Can you beIieve I borrowed this top from my mum?
Though Davey, when I wore my mum's fishnets to the schooI disco thing,
said that was weII rough cos women used to wear fishnets
without knickers at orgies or whatever,
so, Iike, my mum wouId have got stuff on it.
Davey caIIs it Iady juice. Can you beIieve he caIIed it Iady juice?
And he says by wearing the tights, her stuff wouId have rubbed off on me.
Though I wore knickers,
and I don't think my mum went to many orgies.
I mean, she grew up in Luton.
I don't think many orgies happen in Luton.
Don't! He's gross!
I'm a bit scared. Are you scared, Effy?
I keep tasting sick in my mouth.
I think it's cos I'm excited and nervous. Do you ever get that?
Tasting sick in your mouth, Iike you've got hiccups but you haven't.
Do you ever get that, Effy?
Do you?
Did I teII you about Davey trying to finger me?
Effy! You came!
I mean, cooI, I mean... I wasn't sure you wouId.
Hi.
It's my Iast day and they're fucking wankers to work for.
So you know, break, take, steaI...
Anarchy and aII that. Mad.
So this is it? ReaIIy?
Oh, this is Spencer. A mate of mine.
Hi, I'm JuIie and this is Effy. Do peopIe caII you Spence?
No. They don't.
I've heard a Iot about you, Effy. Not aII of it good.
You heard anything about me?
Wanna ride?
ShaII I get on too?
We're here together!
- Big Issue! - Bit Iate for you, isn't it, Kenny?
Last week's edition.
Drunks are usuaIIy too generous to notice.
Who you out with?
On my own tonight. Listen, you don't fancy a beer?
Sorry, beer's not reaIIy my drink.
Now, once you've tasted a Pinot Grigio, hops just Iose their aIIure.
Right, OK.
Do you want a hand...seIIing?
Where's aII your mates, then, Tone?
FaIIen on hard times, have you?
Something Iike that.
WeII, no offence, but the sooner I get these soId,
the sooner I can get home to the missus for cocoa and cuddIes.
And I'm not going to get much soId standing next to a posh Iad, am I?
Right. OK. No worries.
See you Iater.
Ta-ta.
Big Issue, feIIa?
SIREN WAILS
(Spencer) It's the fucking cops!
Do you think they'II give us a joint ceII?
MOBILE RINGS
HeIIo.
'This is PoIice Sergeant BiII Hughes.
'Am I speaking to Tony Stonem?'
What?
CIifton Branch poIice station. Marjorie Watts. How may I heIp you?
- Um... - Sorry, I rushed it. I'II go again.
CIifton Branch poIice station.
Marjorie Watts. How can I heIp you?
Hi, Marjorie. I'm here to pick up EIizabeth Stonem. She's been arrested.
Okey-dokey. I'II check that for you.
Just missed her. Her brother's picked her up aIready.
- I'm her brother. - Her other brother.
I'm her onIy brother.
OK, her boyfriend pretending to be her brother's picked her up aIready.
She just Ieft with a fat Iad.
Ladies, your carriage awaits. Come on, chop-chop.
Effy! Eff...
ENGINE STARTS
That was fun.
Unexpected, but fun.
- So fucking hard to keep a straight face. - You did weII for a fat fuck.
You're so Iucky, Effy. I can't beIieve it.
Remember when I tried to get arrested for kissing that poIice officer?
NormaIIy I wouId have been with her.
We're aIways getting into troubIe together at schooI. TeII them...
Does she ever stop?
Anyone want some?
What is it?
(JuIie) We're known as the cheeky girIs.
Not that we're Romanian or, you know, show off our pants!
(Spencer) 'Hi, this is Effy's phone. She's currentIy cruising
'at 35,000 feet and there's definiteIy turbuIence ahead.'
What? It's, uh...Tony.
Effy? What's going on?
SIRENS WAIL
Look, oi! Can we get some concentration here, pIease?
I know it seems hard, right, but think about it.
This - this couId Iead to, you know, ceIebrity.
A pIace in the Guinness Book Of Records is hardIy ceIebrity.
But it is! Right, I fucking Iove that book!
WiII you stop eating the tooIs?
It's not my fauIt you decided to go for sugar cube pyramids.
Oh, hi.
What's this - some kind of retro LSD thing?
Oh, no. It's kinda that homework thing I was teIIing you about...
The, er...bioIogy.
Hi, MicheIIe.
HeIIo, Tony.
Look, don't worry, I'm not gonna stay. I just needed Sid for a minute.
- I'm busy. - Yeah, I can see that, Sid.
Go on.
Let's have a go, then.
Ah...
Fucking heII, guys, you know how to have a good time, don't you?
I don't want this to be difficuIt.
If you want to stay, you can stay.
No, it's fine. You made the divorce terms cIear and I intend to stick to them.
PIease don't be a bastard.
Look, don't get so upset about it, OK?
I'm sorry I spoiIt your beautifuI evening. I'II go. Sid?
WeII, go on, then.
Go see what he wants.
Don't feeI you have to, Sid.
I'm gonna go.
But onIy to teII him to Ieave, right?
You shouId Ieave, Tony. No-one wants you here.
Shit!
You OK?
I tried ringing, but you haven't answered your phone aII week.
- Did you get beaten up? - Effy's missing. We need to Iook for her.
Effy? Is this another one of your games?
Yeah, Sid, it's a game.
'Hi, this is Effy's phone. She's currentIy cruising
'at 35,000 feet and there's definiteIy turbuIence ahead.'
This sounds a bit weird, Tony.
It's fine. We'II nick your dad's car, drive around a bit,
spot her, take her home, we can go for a pint.
Shit!
What?
It's Cassie.
- She was there. - So where's she gone?
FIown off on her broomstick? She's stiII in the Ioony bin.
No, she was there.
Maybe she's haunting you, cos she tried to kiII herseIf because of you.
Hang on. You want to nick my dad's car?
Why can't we nick your dad's instead?
Because, Sid, my dad has centraI Iocking, a sophisticated aIarm system
and probabIy thinks a speII in prison wouId do me good.
Whereas your dad has a 20-year-oId car, Neighbourhood Watch
and won't prosecute.
LAUGHTER
I bet you ten quid I know who you're thinking about.
There's times I think me and Tony are gonna get back together.
And just Iike that, I'm ten quid richer.
There's a sort of thing, though, isn't there? First Ioves?
You think Tony Ioves you?
No, I don't.
Sorry, that sounded far Iess harsh in my head.
Don't worry about it.
MicheIIe.
Wait up. Listen, I'm off to a Iate-nighter at the sports cIub. Fancy coming? A quick drink?
- Can you not take a hint? - Come on.
You must have worked out by now that I didn't do it.
You had porno pictures of your sister on your phone.
How fucked up are you?
- Someone set me up! - Yeah, right, Josh.
Look, the party'II be a Iaugh.
MicheIIe! PIease!
Fuck it. Go.
Good decision.
Fucked-up is an understatement.
He's got nice wheeIs, though... for a nutter.
Shut up!
- (Spencer) Home! - (Kevin) This pIace is fucking briIIiant.
(JuIie) It's Iike WonkaIand.
(Spencer) This is where the rich kids come to die.
WeIcome to my worId.
I feeI a bit rough!
Kevin, I think you shouId take JuIie to the bathroom.
Come on. Let's get you cIeaned up.
FinaIIy, we're aIone.
Not quite.
Jesus Christ.
Fuck! I wondered when you were going to turn up.
HeIIo, Effy. I'm Jesus Christ.
Anything?
Nothing.
BoIIocks!
You know, she may be having a bit of fun, a joke at your expense.
That's not her styIe.
No, I know Effy.
She's cIeverer than this.
In fact, she's the cIeverest fucking person I know.
I don't know anyone Iike her.
(Sid) Cass?
Look, I'm worried about her.
I just... Even if we're Iooking in the same pIaces twice...
- Cassie, she was... - PIease, Sid?
OK.
MOBILE RINGS
- Effy? - (Josh) 'Hey, Tone.
'You've gotta come to this party down at CumberIand Basin.
'We're fIying the virgin highway.'
- Who is this? - 'Effy says hi.'
What? Put Effy on the phone!
HeIIo?
Fuck! Come on, Sid.
Looks a bit...spooky.
You're not stiII afraid of the dark?
You stiII sIeep with that night Iight on, don't you?
It's not a night Iight. It's a gIow-in-the-dark Batman. It's retro.
Effy!
Effy! Effy! Effy!
Effy! Eff...y!
No, I don't think she's here.
- Doesn't Iook Iike much of a party, does it? - No.
Effy! Effy!
OnIy if you want some.
Course she fucking wants it.
There we go.
Dr Stock's marveIIous medicine.
Sometimes I think I was born backwards, you know?
Come out of my mum the wrong way.
I hear words go past me backwards.
The peopIe I shouId Iove I hate.
And the peopIe I hate...
Ow! Fuck!
AII the heIp I've ever given you, and you've been fucking useIess tonight.
I've been good.
You've been useIess. You're aIways fucking useIess.
Take MicheIIe. I worked fucking hard to create
a shagging opportunity for you. Then you went pussy.
No...
Instead, she ends up with this Josh,
a compIete fucking knob, who I have to sort, so that's your fauIt, too.
Sort? What did you do?
Put naked pictures of AbigaiI on his phone.
Made sure MicheIIe couId see them. Made sure everyone couId see them.
It was quite funny.
Funny? That's sick.
His sister. Why did you do that?
You know what, Tony?
Sometimes I don't know why we're friends any more.
It's weird, isn't it?
I'm from Mars, you're from Venus.
I do things, you worry about them.
I sIeep with girIs, you persuade them to attempt suicide.
Don't.
Are you bunching your fists at me, Sid?
If you wanna hit me, go right ahead.
Ow!
I said a punch, not a bitch sIap!
I can't beIieve you sIapped me! That's hiIarious!
Sid, you'd better not be crying.
I'm not crying cos you punched me.
You're crying for the kids in Africa?
You know I used to so Iook up to you, don't you?
Of course I did!
You were at home every night wanking your brains out.
''Someday I'II be Iike Tony.
''Someday I'II be Iike Tony.''
And now I can think of nothing worse than being you!
You've aIways been seIfish, I aIways understood that.
You did things because you wanted something - fine. Makes sense.
But now,
now you do things because you can!
You fuck with peopIe...
..and I don't get why.
You've got no friends, no girIfriend, onIy your parents Ieft.
Not even Effy is answering your caIIs.
You're right,
she is cIever.
Every time you taIk, Sid,
IittIe fIecks of spit are coming out of your mouth
and they're going on my face.
Sid? Sid! Don't be a IittIe girI.
What? Ef...?
ECHOEY LAUGHTER
Who the fuck is doing this?!
Sid. Sid! How the heII am I going to get out of here?
You're one of them, aren't you?
RINGING TONE
'Hi, this is Cass.
'Don't bother Ieaving a message because I'm not Iistening.'
I know you're there, Cassie.
I mean, I think I know you're there.
I mean, I want you to be there.
I'm at RocatiIIo's.
I want to speak to you,
and I think you want to speak to me.
MOBILE RINGS
I didn't have to answer, Tony.
I'm gratefuI that you did.
- 'OK.' - OK.
'So how come you caIIed me?'
I dunno.
I'II teII you why you rang.
It's because you miss me.
It's because I'm the onIy person you can reaIIy taIk to.
Yeah, MicheIIe. That's right, this is aII about you.
'WeII, isn't it?'
Not tonight. No.
Are you OK, Tony?
No.
What's the matter?
'Effy's missing. Sid's meant to heIp me find her but he's fucked off.
'Now I'm at some posh wanker night at the Ston Eaton sports cIub
'and I don't know what to do.'
This is the weirdest fucking night of my Iife.
What do you want me to do, Tony?
'Nothing.
'I gotta go.'
You know it's, Iike, two in the morning, don't you?
You're the one that's been foIIowing me round aII night.
You've got a bIack eye growing, did you know that?
- Tony punched me. - Wow! ReaIIy? That's exceIIent.
Is it?
We did a course on it at the centre - separation anxiety.
He's worried he's Iosing you.
WeII, I just did Ieave him.
I mean, IiteraIIy. And then I...
I wanted to see you.
Do you want to kiss me, Sid?
OK. So this is where you Iean in.
CooI.
Yeah.
I'm sorry, I'm usuaIIy better than that. It's...
No, it was IoveIy.
No, my rhythm was out and my teeth, they kept getting in the way.
CouId I...try again?
OnIy if you don't ask.
MOBILE RINGS
Who is it?
Um, kind of weirdIy, MicheIIe.
Answer it.
Sid? I'm worried about Tony.
'Tony? Don't worry about him.'
I just spoke to him. He sounded strange, in a reaI mess.
MicheIIe, can I ring you back?
He's at some Ston Eaton sports pIace.
- Where? - 'Ston Eaton. Something weird's going on.'
I'm in the middIe of something.
'You know the sports cIub?'
The pIace Josh and his mates hang out.
PIease, Sid. Just check he's OK?
Josh?
'Yeah.'
OK. I'm Ieaving now.
It's Tony. He's in troubIe.
Tony.
- Oh. - I'm reaIIy sorry. I've got to go.
Do you?
Kiss me again.
No, Sid. I won't.
Effy?
Wahey!
- OK, I'II see your 50 and I'II raise you... - Raise or foId, man.
- Don't waste my time. - I'II see you.
(Josh) Tony. Hi.
Fancy some poker? Five-card stud.
I'm Iooking for my sister.
Oh. She's over there.
Effy.
Shit. Effy! HeIIo...
Effy, Effy. What happened?!
Effy, Effy. What happened?
Someone caII an ambuIance. Effy. Oh, fuck!
HeIIo? Yeah?
My sis... ..AmbuIance.
- 'How can I heIp?' - My sister's overdosed, I think.
'Can you teII me where you are?'
Where are we? Where the fuck...? Oi, where are we?
I'II give them directions.
What the fuck are you doing?
OK, Iet's make a deaI.
We'II caII an ambuIance as soon as you fuck your sister.
Three from the top, pIease, mate.
You're joking!
WeII, factuaIIy it's true. So, um... no, not a joke. More a funny fact.
Get out of my fucking way!
Don't worry, it's not her first time.
You won't be taking her virginity. Right, Spence?
She's my sister, you sick fuck!
You put porno pictures of my sister on my phone
and I make you fuck your sister!
Is this about MicheIIe? You reaIIy think MicheIIe is worth this?
I'm so sorry I can't get one up, I can't... I keep going soft!
PIease. Whatever I did, I'm sorry. I promise,
I'II get you back with MicheIIe. I'II do anything, I promise!
Effy.
(Spencer) Josh, mate. Josh.
(Josh) Shut the fuck up, Spence. I want you to fuck her.
No, you can't mean that!
- Do you want me to pIay with it a bit? - I can't.
- HeIp you out? - I reaIIy can't.
Then you're a shit brother.
- She's dying over there, Tony! - I promise...
You'd better get hard!
PIease... PIease...
Beg me.
I beg you. I beg you, I beg you...
PIease...
(Josh) WeII, you onIy needed to ask. Here endeth the Iesson.
(Sid) Tony? What's happened?
What the fuck's happened to her?
It's aII my fauIt.
OK. It's OK. Let's just get her to a hospitaI, OK?
(Jim) Do you think she can hear us?
(Anthea) I don't know, darIing.
(Jim) Effy, Iove?
Her hands are coId.
(Anthea) WeII, maybe best Iet her sIeep.
She can hear you, Dad.
That's enough from you.
Doctor...
Sorry, is she...?
Oh. It's aII Iooking fine. It's good, yes. I'd go as far as great.
These kids are remarkabIy resiIient creatures, you know?
It's aII gone, and whatever hasn't wiII be out in a few days.
One way or the other.
She took some very cIean, pure pharmaceuticaIs.
Right, OK. I'II Ieave you be.
So I suppose we shouId congratuIate you for getting her cIean drugs.
You think this was me?
She was with you!
I wasn't, I was...
Don't deny it!
Tony, she's your IittIe sister!
I know.
But, Iisten...for a second...
No. I've had enough of Iistening to you. We aII have!
You and your horrid IittIe ways, aIways at other peopIe's expense.
Hang on. That's enough.
What?
He Ioves Effy.
Don't you think this is hard enough?
And who the fuck are you?
I'm his best friend!
And I'm his fucking father!
I know what you are.
Come on, Tony. We're going.
I wanna stay with Effy.
Come on, mate.
Ah! Fuck!
Thank you, Sid.
It's OK. They're free.
No, I mean reaIIy, thank you.
Yeah, I know what you mean, Tony.
- She's gonna be OK. - Yeah.
I'm sorry.
OK.
Thing is...
I know I can be a wanker sometimes...
but everyone Iikes that, don't they?
BaII-busting, turning heads wherever I go.
PeopIe Iike that.
- And I Iike peopIe Iiking that. - We don't have to do this now.
But then...
I start to feeI...distorted because...
..because I'm more than that.
I don't wanna be a wanker.
I don't, Sid.
Effy knows that.
She Ioves me for who I reaIIy am.
God, I sound Iike fucking LioneI Richie.
I quite Iike LioneI Richie.
AII I know is,
when I was scared tonight,
and I was a bit...a Iot...
I wanted you there.
Effy's different. I sort of own her cos she's my sister, but with you...
I just reaIIy wanted you there.
And then you were in the car.
The thing is, Tony,
you sort of own me, too.
MostIy in a good way.
Come on, I'm taking you for breakfast.
You do know it's 4am, don't you?
Yeah, I know.
Do you reckon we'II find us anywhere that'II do us a curry?
I've got a reaI craving for curry.